Tourettes and Momzheimers

I would like to think that for the most part I am your average american girl.  My husband and I live in an average size home.  We are solidly fixed in the middle class.  We drive  american made cars and we have a little more than 2.5 kids.   So, sometimes I assume that just because we are living a middle class life that the stuff that happens in our life would in fact be normal.   But normal of course is a subjective thing.  What is normal?  Normal for a single bachelor in his 60s or 70s is vastly different for our normal. 

I find that I say things and meet things in daily life that would never happen in my single coworkers home.  I say things that my husband doesn’t even blink at but would cause the average yuppie office worker to laugh their martini out through their nose. Yes I know what I just said.  I dont have tourettes, I have three sons.

A few examples

–  “Take those cheese sticks out of your pants young man!”

– “I don’t care what record your trying to break, you have to change your underwear!”

– “That slug is not a pet and it doesn’t want to sleep inside your bed!.  No it WONT get lonely outside.”

How many city suburbanite have had to provide instructions for eating a banana to their four-year old?

“this is a banana.  You eat it.  You do not put it in your pocket.  Or in your pants and save it for later.  You do not smash it with a hammer or a hot wheel.  You do not step on it.  You do not ride over it with your bike or skate board.  When you are done eating it you put it and the peel in the garbage can.  You do not stick it under your pillow or behind your bed.  You do not use the left overs to paint the wall a pretty color.  You eat it.  You throw it away.  GOT IT?  “

This of course didn’t work because I didn’t add “you can not smash it with your tennis shoes while holding them in your hands.” .  technically he had not violated my instructions.  

Being a parent to little boys means you have to answer question like “How are slugs made” and “Do worms sleep”?  I thank god for Wikipedia every night.  I don’t know what people did without it. 

Not only would you think that I have Tourette’s, but my observing me you may think I suffer from Alzheimer’s.  Close, its Momzheimers.  The disease caused by lack of exercise, sleep and healthy food.

Symptoms of Momzheimers include: unbrushed hair, excessive weight gain, mood swings and the inability to remember your children’s name.  This last one is the biggest indicator that you have a severe case of Momzheimers…or its other form… Dadzheimers.   You can try different therapies (sleep, a day spa or selling your kids to gypsies) but the only cure is time.  Until they are old enough that the recruiter will take them, you can assign each child a number that corresponds to birth order.  Its much easier to remember 1, 2 and 3. 

So, for all you out there struggeling to wrangle your horde of little men…the best advice that I can give you is…..” darn it young man you get your feet of my ceiling….”


2 thoughts on “Tourettes and Momzheimers

  1. Forgot to warn you…
    Tourettes and momzheimers doesn’t clear up when the boys are bigger.
    Even when they are 27, 24, and 17…you will find yourself STILL saying
    ‘get your feet off my ceiling’ and
    ‘stop tormenting your brother’.
    The good thing…
    If we ever get Alzheimers no one will know because we are still repeating what we have said for the previous 50 years.
    Moms of boys are a special breed…God has an extra soft mansion for us in heaven:)

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